Call Yourself Something Normal

Things bother me that have no business bothering me. But nonetheless, they bother me.

One thing I hate: 'creative' baby names.

I totally understand wanting your kid to be a Yuuniekke Ayuhnd Spaeshul Lyttull Snoeflayke (TM) and make them stand out from the crowd but they're much more likely to be a boring-ass run-of-the-mill accountant than they are to be Janis Joplin or Picasso. They are going to disappoint your expectations for being cool and quirky and unusual. Get the fuck over it. And stop giving your kids stupid 'krriiettievve' names that are spelled and pronounced totally different ways because you just basically sentenced your kid to a life of hating their name, explaining to everybody how to spell/say it, and looking really really really stupid. You look stupid as well, for calling them that. Having a weird name is something that always sounds cooler than it actually is. Some people grow to embrace creative names. Most don't. If you want to change your own name from Mary-Anne Smith to Sunbeam Moonflower Jyydynne Ayydnne Antosequandriquae Shioddunnieton that's totally your prerogative. I think you're a dingbat but you're presumably a grownup and are making your own choice. Don't saddle your kid with a name like that. They will not thank you for it. They just look stupid.

Don't name your kid Aiden or any of its derivatives. Don't spell a common name a 'new' and 'creative' way. (Like Myykkieale, or Gienuphuerre, or Jhueiymzze for Michael, Jennifer, or James.) Nevaeh (IT'S 'HEAVEN' SPELLED BACKWARD, AREN'T I JUST SO CUTE??) is not a good name. Skylar isn't a good one either. And for god's sake step away from the letter Q. At this rate, there are going to be eighteen kids in any given elementary school class with names like Hieaydyynne and Skyueyllurr and the 'weird' kids will be the ones called Sarah or Travis. You are not cute or interesting or creative or unique or fun. You sound like you took one too many bong hits during labour. Knock that shit off.

Trust me, your kids will thank you.