another problem

I'm kind of discriminating drug addict. Some people will take whatever consciousness-altering substance they can get their hands on. Personally, I don't like doing that. First of all it's not safe, which I realize is a bit like saying I habitually drive without a seatbelt but don't speed because it isn't safe. I'm still doing a really dangerous thing, and if things go wrong I'll be just as dead as the result of one as the other. But you can never be completely sure what's in what other people give you or how you'll react to it, so I stick with what I know just because I don't want to end up in that situation.

Second, I don't like how everything makes me feel. I'm an insomniac and have depression, two conditions that put me in a position to obtain sedatives legally. But I don't like most sedatives. I don't like the way they make me feel, which is that I'm being played in slow motion and am carrying a lot of extra weight. I don't actually like feeling tired. If I'm going to drug myself to sleep, I want to get high doing it. Which is why I prefer the narcotic and hallucinogenic drugs. Lunesta is okay but I prefer Ambien. People hate that one because it causes blackouts and blank spots for long periods of time. And it does that to me as well. (True story: before we got together and at a time when I was in such a severe depression I was taking a near-lethal cocktail of alcohol and sleeping pills, I apparently masturbated loudly on the phone with the guy who is now my boyfriend. I have almost no memory of it happening, and the parts I do remember feel vague and foggy like the way you only vaguely remember a dream. I really only have his word to go on that it happened at all, but he wouldn't lie about something like that and it's something I would do.)

My drugs of choice aren't sedatives or psychoactive. I just like the rush from narcotics and narcotic-based sleeping pills. So I don't go after anything else, because I don't want to. Which I guess is SOMETHING, right?

I don't have constant access to these things anyway. Because I'm too cautious and too chicken to do anything but obtain them legally, most of the time I DON'T have them because I can't get a prescription. Either my insurance isn't going to allow me to refill or it's too close to the last script and the doctor will become suspicious. And when I do have them, I don't have them long. This is mostly owing to me having no impulse control (why wait when I can get high RIGHT NOW??), and also because I have ludicrously high drug tolerance. The last time I was in the hospital for kidney stones I got a shot of morphine and hardly hiccupped. Three to four times the dose does for me what it does for normal people.

Right now I'm just making do with OTC. All OTC sleeping pills that actually work (i.e., aren't 'homeopathic') have diphehydramine in them. That's the stuff that gives the loopy feeling to Benadryl and NyQuil. I never really totally liked how the stuff made me feel--it's one of those makes-me-feel-heavy-and-slow chemicals--but it's better than nothing and taking as high a dose as I do gives me a bit of a lift. It's an unbelievably huge dose though. Anywhere from 250-500mg. For comparison's sake, the amount in a typical dose of NyQuil or Benadryl is 50mg.

Yeah. It's like that.