not good

Sometimes I think my drug problem might be a bigger problem than I'm willing to admit.

I like to pretend I'm as responsible about it as it's possible to be--I don't buy of the street, I don't drive or go to work or do anything potentially dangerous while high, and I give myself a 'ration' in order not to overdo it--but in reality the fact that I have this problem at all indicates a complete lack of responsibility on my end. And I suspect I'm a bit too cavalier about it and one of the biggest red flags is the fact that I don't worry about overdoses.

Years of pill-popping has taught me my own tolerance levels, and while my tolerance level is extremely high precisely because of this--it takes up to four times the dosage to do anything these days--I still sometimes occasionally overshoot it. It's never deliberate, and it's never by very much, but it does happen. But it doesn't actually bother me that it happens because I know what to expect and it's never an overdose by a significant enough margin to cause any real problems aside from the ones I cause by banging down pills in the first place.

What happens is that I throw up. And that's normal. It's actually a good thing, believe it or not. A dramatic full-system-reversal is the body's way of dealing with something it can't handle--if you didn't do this, you would be in danger from anything dangerous you ever ate. The body's first defense against this is to just get rid of it, which it does by expelling it violently from the nearest orifice, which is what makes us puke and get the runs.

Obviously overdosing is extremely bad but you have to pretty excessively overdose in order to require anything but a place to vomit and some ginger ale. The body is pretty good at keeping out the things it doesn't want, and you'll be violently sick long before you're in serious danger.

So I don't worry about overdosing. I try not to do it, but since it's never a huge overdose I don't see it as something I need to worry about except for getting to the bathroom on time.