coming up short

Being of primarily Italian descent, shortness is something of a family heirloom. Joe Pesce is quite famously a shrimp. Also I happen to have a second cousin named Joe Pesci, which still means 'Joe Fish'. It's just part of the genetic code, like a predisposition for neurosis and a tendency to be extremely dramatic and argue unnecessarily about everything. And occasionally get into World Wars but let's not get into that, shall we? Particularly not as the rest of my genetic code is (I swear) German and Jewish. Oh yes, I am a ticking DNA time bomb of mental instability. And a WWII joke.

But anyway. Being short is primarily what runs in my family. Except for my maternal grandfather, who is over six foot (he has the Jewish DNA), nobody is very big. My dad is the tallest in his family and he's square average male height--5'10". Of course, my mother is 4'10" so all of their photos look stupid. I'm just glad she didn't marry her high school sweetheart, who happens to not only be 5'5" but also Irish so my inherent predisposition for neurosis would have been even worse.

All the women in my family, especially on my mom's side, are short. None are more than about 5'2". Most aren't even that tall. So it was a fact of life growing up.

Even so, I still wanted to be taller than my mom. I never liked being a shrimp. I knew I was always going to be one but I didn't want to have to bear the indignity of being less than five foot. I bear enough indignity just by being me and doing things like forgetting my own name and being deaf. I'm serious when I say that in my entire life my only real driving ambition has been to be taller than my mom. I mean that was literally all I ever wanted out of life. Please dear sweet baby Jesus let me be taller than my mom and I will be happy. Please let me make it to five foot. Please do not make me too short to technically legally be allowed to sit in the front seat of the car. (Fun fact: some states have laws like this and in some of those states, my mom is too short to sit in the front seat of a car. My grandma is only 4'9". She really is too short.)

I made it to five foot. I made it exactly to five foot. That was all fate was going to grant me.

But I got what I wanted. I'm bigger than my mom. I am just barely grownup-sized. I can live with it. On the plus side it's made me, of necessity, have very good posture--if I slouch at all I don't reach the five-foot mark.

I can't have that.

That would be embarrassing.

Now pardon me while I try and remember where I left my purse.