bad choice, decent reason

My worst and most destructive habit by far is a drug addiction. Or, I should say, a drug preference. I won't go into detail except to say that yes, I have a problem with prescription drugs, but nothing I'm doing is technically illegal and my name is on all the bottles; I'm as responsible as it's humanly possible to be about it; I never, and never would, buy off the streets because that's asking for trouble. When I don't have access to drugs I can still go on quite normally without suffering any withdrawal symptoms or negative reactions. I just don't have a big enough habit for that to happen, so I can go for months at a time completely clean between scripts. No one in their right mind would pick me out of a crowd as a drug addict. Even people who know drug addicts personally and can spot these things. Unless I tell you, you won't know.

Of course, I have a horrible time trying to make a script last because I have zero self-control. If I have no obligation that would preclude me getting high off my tits (like I have to drive somewhere--I've done this before and I've scared myself out of doing it ever again by getting into a minor fender-bender), then I will pretty much just choke down the pills every couple of hours as each successive rush wears off. I can't make a month's worth of sleeping pills last more than a few days, usually about four or five but never more than a week.

I do it because it's one of the only reasonably effective coping mechanisms I have. I try to take my mind off my emotional and mental maladies but that isn't always possible. Reading a book, watching a funny movie, listening to music, going for a walk, writing it out--these are all excellent ways for me to try and deal, and they're my first line of defense, but when I get in a bad way my mood is such a bottomless black pit of self-hatred and suicidal depression that even the artificial chemical high that comes from drugs is better than being that bleak. I do that, I take a nap, and when I wake up I feel a whole lot better and can go on with my day.

That's just kind of how I cope right now. I have a horrible relationship with psychiatric drugs--I'm honestly less functional on them than I am completely fucked up on pills.

As demented as this sounds, the fact that I know I can still feel okay--that I'm not going to be stuck in whatever hole I find myself in on a particularly bad day--is one of the things that keeps me going. It's not the healthiest coping mechanism in the world, I grant, but it's one that works for me for the time being. In the end, it makes me feel better and helps me remember that life isn't always going to suck this much.

And if the price of that reassurance is being an addict?

Well, then it's one I'm more than willing to pay.