missed it by THAT MUCH!

My dad is the most boring human being alive.

It's not that he doesn't ever do the things people usually tell stories about their dad over. It's just that, even though he experiences the same things that other men his age typically experience, he does so in a way that manages to be completely absurd and disappointingly dull at the same time.

For example, my dad had a midlife crisis when he was in his mid-40s. Lots of men have these. Two of my uncles experienced these and did what any other sensible man would do and bought red convertibles. (The one on my mom's side bought a brand-new shiny red Mustang; the one on my dad's side bought a vintage 1970s Cougar.) My dad went through a midlife crisis and he dealt with it by... buying a canoe. I swear to fuck, he bought a canoe. That was his idea of dealing with the insecurities that came from being middle aged. At least it was red.

He makes a yearly trip to Las Vegas around September or October. On the surface this doesn't sound like it could possibly end with him being boring, but I assure you it does. He doesn't set foot in a casino or see a show or glimpse the glittery lights of the strip. Nope, when my dad goes to Vegas he does it to ride his bike 200 miles through the fucking desert. And no, not a motorbike--which is what people usually picture when I tell this story. A pedal bike. For the equivalent distance between New York City and Washington DC. It takes two days. None of it is interesting in any way.

My dad is also no stranger to alcohol. Like all good strapping lads of Italian ancestry, he has a very high tolerance for intoxicants. And like people with high alcohol tolerance, when he starts to get drunk he gets really really drunk really really quickly. He's also one of those drunks who, rather than falling asleep, instead gets a burst of energy. What does he do with all this energy? Something hilariously ill-planned?? No, he rearranges the furniture. Every damn time. I got used to sometimes waking up to find whole rooms completely remodelled. On one particularly productive night, he switched the living room and dining room around completely. He once moved the guest room from the second story of the house to the basement and brought his entire office suite--his computer, desk, file cabinet, rolly chair, et al--up two flights of stairs from the basement to the now-vacant room. This is his idea of 'drunk behaviour'.

It's really quirky behaviour, but nowhere near interesting or weird enough to gain any kind of advantage during a 'shit my dad does' conversation at a bar.