(18 Dec. 2011)
There are a few ways you can avoid being arrested--or, barring that, avoid being questioned if you ARE arrested.
Feign an illness. It has to be a good serious one, though--no one will let you off the hook if you just pretend to faint, but they might be a bit concerned if you pretend to have a seizure, or a heart attack, or rabies. Or anthrax. Anthrax is good, too.
Remember nothing--convince them you suffer from memory loss and conveniently forget everything. You've gotta own it though--don't just have a blank spot exactly the timeframe you're being questioned about. It's more effective if you can convince them you're missing a chunk of your memory that goes back at least a few weeks if not a few months. If possible, try selling your story by dressing completely inappropriately for the current time of year--if you turn up in Bermuda shorts and a sun hat in January, they might be willing to believe you have no idea what month it is.
Feign MENTAL illness. Again, you've gotta own it. Multiple personalities are so blase and most seasoned detectives won't believe you if you suddenly only answer to the name 'Grenadine' and pretend you're an elderly lady. Pick something slightly more obscure. Try schizotypal personality disorder, which means you have to suddenly become extremely eccentric and socially retarded. Helpful props: mismatched shoes (on the wrong feet), clashing clothing, and carry around an empty shoebox and claim it contains your spirit guide, Karl, who is an invisible green zebra the size of a guinea pig. Lift a corner of the box and speak to Karl in gibberish.
Make them so uncomfortable they no longer WANT to question you. To accomplish this you have to pull out all the stops and come out with the most radically, extremely eccentric behaviour you can think of. Talk about ludicrous beliefs (like geocentricity and the 'Reptilian' conspiracy theory), bathroom habits, disgusting and/or embarrassing fictitious medical conditions (such as the surgical procedure for performing a vasectomy--this is very useful if your interviewer happens to be a man)--especially effective is talking about sex. Weird sex--describe in pornographic detail your (legal but fictitious) sexual fetishes. Don't go with anything as normal as a foot fetish; claim to be a scat fetishist or 'looner', someone with a fetish for balloons. (Yes it exists.) If all goes well, the police will simply be way too uncomfortable to want to talk to you anymore.
Or, you can do what a 22-year-old Malaysian man did. The unidentified man already had an extensive criminal record and, in an attempt to make the officers NOT want to talk to him, shit his own pants. Bonus: it wasn't a one-off. The man apparently made a habit of soiling himself to discourage the police from getting too close.
Feign an illness. It has to be a good serious one, though--no one will let you off the hook if you just pretend to faint, but they might be a bit concerned if you pretend to have a seizure, or a heart attack, or rabies. Or anthrax. Anthrax is good, too.
Remember nothing--convince them you suffer from memory loss and conveniently forget everything. You've gotta own it though--don't just have a blank spot exactly the timeframe you're being questioned about. It's more effective if you can convince them you're missing a chunk of your memory that goes back at least a few weeks if not a few months. If possible, try selling your story by dressing completely inappropriately for the current time of year--if you turn up in Bermuda shorts and a sun hat in January, they might be willing to believe you have no idea what month it is.
Feign MENTAL illness. Again, you've gotta own it. Multiple personalities are so blase and most seasoned detectives won't believe you if you suddenly only answer to the name 'Grenadine' and pretend you're an elderly lady. Pick something slightly more obscure. Try schizotypal personality disorder, which means you have to suddenly become extremely eccentric and socially retarded. Helpful props: mismatched shoes (on the wrong feet), clashing clothing, and carry around an empty shoebox and claim it contains your spirit guide, Karl, who is an invisible green zebra the size of a guinea pig. Lift a corner of the box and speak to Karl in gibberish.
Make them so uncomfortable they no longer WANT to question you. To accomplish this you have to pull out all the stops and come out with the most radically, extremely eccentric behaviour you can think of. Talk about ludicrous beliefs (like geocentricity and the 'Reptilian' conspiracy theory), bathroom habits, disgusting and/or embarrassing fictitious medical conditions (such as the surgical procedure for performing a vasectomy--this is very useful if your interviewer happens to be a man)--especially effective is talking about sex. Weird sex--describe in pornographic detail your (legal but fictitious) sexual fetishes. Don't go with anything as normal as a foot fetish; claim to be a scat fetishist or 'looner', someone with a fetish for balloons. (Yes it exists.) If all goes well, the police will simply be way too uncomfortable to want to talk to you anymore.
Or, you can do what a 22-year-old Malaysian man did. The unidentified man already had an extensive criminal record and, in an attempt to make the officers NOT want to talk to him, shit his own pants. Bonus: it wasn't a one-off. The man apparently made a habit of soiling himself to discourage the police from getting too close.
No comments:
Post a Comment