stop that, you're embarrassing yourself

I have to say this.

Please, boys. Please. Stop talking that way. Stop posting pictures of yourself on the internet throwing up gang signs. (Or posing with money.) Stop rapping like you're someday going to perform alongside Kanye West. Stop turning the bass on your car stereo up to the point where it could fell an ox at a hundred paces. Stop referring to drugs, sex, gangs, alcohol, 'the man', or 'bitches and hoes' in casual conversation. In fact, the next time you refer to a girl that way, I am going to hit you with my purse and you don't want that to happen because it weighs as much as a small cargo plane. Get some pants in the right size, pull them up, get rid of all your visors and your cheap 'bling' the size of car hubcaps, shave off that stupid 'soul patch', buy some shirts that aren't vests and some sweatshirts that incorporate less material than a parachute, and cancel the dental appointment you made to get grills.

You are not badass. You are not gangsta. You are not the product of the rough streets of Philadelphia or Atlanta. You are a bunch of middle-class white kids from the suburbs of Long Island and you still sleep on Spiderman sheets. The hardest drug you've ever done is Tylenol and you mom still packs your lunch. If you like modern gang-related movies and rap that's your business, but stop imitating it. I love 'Star Wars' but I'm not going to emulate it because if I did I would look like an idiot. (Plus that Ewok costume gets itchy.) The reality of serious gang life is brutal and you're lucky you have no direct experience with it.

Also, here's a tip: gangsters don't order frilly drinks with extra whipped cream at Starbucks. I don't even order frilly drinks with extra whipped cream at Starbucks and I'm a girl.