Things That Should Carry a Death Sentence (but don't)

I'm probably just joking since I would most likely never seriously suggest that people deserve to die for perpetrating what amount to trivial annoyances. Except I'm really not and they totally do.

If you text during a movie or performance of any kind or if you refuse to turn your cell phone off (or at least silence it), you should be shot.

If you park your car in such a way that it takes up more than one space, you should be shot.

If you use the last of some communal resource (office coffee creamer, toilet paper, etc...) and don't replace it for the next person, you should be shot.

If you are rude or belligerent to wait staff or store clerks (or anybody else in the service industry) for rules over which they have no control, you should be shot.

...and if you do it for no reason at all, you should be shot twice.

If you constantly give 'helpful advice' to others that you yourself have never needed to follow (treatment options for conditions you've never had, for example), you should be shot.

If you wait to read the menu and decide what you want until you're at the counter and hold up the rest of the queue, you should be shot.

And if you bring your children to a public place, except a park or something, without making any effort to get them to act like human beings instead of baboons on meth, you should be shot. If the little beasts cause any material damage to the venue in question, the owners are entitled to sell them into slavery to cover the losses.