I figured out how to implement some new taxes that, by my estimation, will end the recession in about a week.
Movie producers are now required to pay a Sequel Tax equal to $1,000,000 per number. For example, they are making another 'Underworld' movie--since it's the fourth so far, it will have to pay $4,000,000 in Sequel Taxes. (Exceptions: movies that are part of an actual established series based on something that's actually written well. 'Lord of the Rings' is okay; 'Twilight' is not. 'Star Wars' stopped being okay after 1983.)
A Bling Permit Tax will now be charged in order to legally be allowed to wear large, tacky, gaudy pieces of jewellery. Each piece will require a $500 permit, on the theory that the cost is prohibitive enough to discourage people from wearing fake diamonds as big as a doorknob.
Being an asshole in public will result in a $10,000 fine. Bigger asshole behaviours will also be subject to a mandatory public flogging. Really big asshole behaviours (see below: 'Things That Should Carry a Death Sentence') will get you shot and your assets will be liquidated to pay the fine.
The new You Can't Wear That Tax will vary depending on the circumstances but essentially it will require you to pay in order to be allowed to publicly wear stuff that isn't actually clothing. Like substituting a scarf for a top or wearing a dress made out of Kermit heads. Raw meat, latex, and tinfoil are likewise not appropriate materials with which to make clothes.
Who the Fuck Are You? laws will carry a fine of $1000 for sending friend requests on social network sites to people you don't actually know. This fine will be doubled if you're doing it just to get access to their photos. If you can prove otherwise, you don't have to pay it, but meeting at a party nobody involved has any clear memories of doesn't count. Half the fine--$500--will be applied if you're friend requesting someone you've met before but haven't had any contact with in more than ten years. If they have to ask who the fuck you are, you're getting fined--full stop.
Seriously, this is pure genius. I need to write the President right now.
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